Winnie the Pooh is BADASS
by heygurlheyyyy
Summary: Pooh's bad-ass.


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or storylines from Winnie the Pooh Bear, but I do own this story.

P.S. Btw, this is NOT a children's story. Git your 6-year-old child away from the computer NOW, gosh darn-it!

**Pooh and the Honey Jars**

One morning, Pooh the ugly, fat-ass bear woke up and his tummy grumbled.

"I'm hungry," he said, and pulled the covers off of him and got out of bed. He was completely naked, as usual. He then put his red shirt on, and he wasn't naked anymore.

"Hmm, this shirt's a little too small," he said. The shirt's seams were ripping, and he had just gotten the shirt yesterday. "I'll get a new one," he said.

He opened his closet door and, on the hangers, were a bunch of red shirts. He took one from the hanger. It looked slightly bigger than the others. He took off his tight, red shirt showing his "man-breasts" and put on the other one.

"Ahhh, much better," Pooh sighed. "Now, what was I going to do again?"

Pooh's tummy grumbled. "Feed me!" it cried. "Feed me!"

"Oh, that's right. I need to find some honey for my rumbly tummy," said Pooh.

He searched in the cabinets. There was no honey left. He looked under the sink. There was no honey left. He looked in all the closets, looked in the cookie jar, and he even looked in the toilet. There was no honey anywhere!

"No honey!" cried Pooh. He started to sniffle.

"Feed me!" said Pooh's rumbly tummy again. "Feed me! NOW!"

"Don't worry, tummy," said Pooh. "I will find some honey…..for the both of us." He said, rubbing his tummy and smiling.

Pooh walked out of his house and saw Tigger bouncing by. He was singing a merry little tune as he was bouncing on his black striped tail. "The wonderful thing about Tiggers," he sang, "is Tiggers are wonderful things! They bounce and bounce and-" Tigger tripped over Pooh's foot.

"Pooh! What the hell was that for?" Tigger cried.

"Sorry Tigger, I have a problem, I ran out of honey!" Pooh said.

"Hmmm…" Tigger pondered for a moment. "Did you check your honey cabinet?"

"Yes." Said Pooh.

"Did you check your closets?"

"Yes."

"Did you check your toilet?"

"Yes."

"Did you check your-"  
"SI, SI! YES TIGGER! I CHECKED EVERY FREAKING PLACE KNOWN TO MANKIND! THERE IS STILL NO HONEY!!!"

"Weeeeellllllll, that _is_ a baddie bad thing!" Tigger said. "What we needs to do is ask Rabbit for some help! He's smarts!"

"Okay," said Pooh.

Pooh and Tigger went to Rabbit's house. He was in his garden, as usual. He heard them coming and looked up.  
_Oh, GOD!_ Rabbit thought. _Those idiots are here to ruin my garden that I've been working on for a whole ten minutes! I must send them away!_

As Pooh and Tigger were about to step foot in the garden, Rabbit angrily threw a shovel at Tigger's head, knocking him unconscious.

"Rabbit! What did you do?!" cried Pooh.

"WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING DID??!!" Rabbit shouted angrily. "I THREW A FUCKING SHOVEL AT TIGGER, DAMN IT! I DON'T WANT YOU TWO ANNOYING FUCKERS ANY WHERE NEAR MY GARDEN, YA HEAR?!?"

"B-but Rabbit. I need your help! I ran out of honey!"

"Well, that's YOUR fault you fat-ass!" he cried. He angrily looked at Pooh, panting, and then went back to working on his garden, as if nothing happened.

Pooh stared at Rabbit, who had his back turned to Pooh, dumbfounded. He then let out a sigh and sadly walked to somewhere else. Tigger was still on the ground unconscious, his head bleeding….a lot.

"What do I do? What do I do?" Pooh said to himself. "I need honey, I need honey!"

"FEED ME, POOH!" cried Pooh's rumbly tummy. "Or I'll flush you and your thousand red shirts down the toilet!"

"Don't worry, rumbly tummy." Pooh said. "I will find honey. I will." He sounded determined as he said this, the flames of power burning in his eyes. This didn't last for long, because then that annoying kangaroo Roo, who's name is so clever, came hopping along beside Pooh.

"Pooh? Why are you talking to yourself?" asked Roo.

"Roo! Pooh's having….a bad day, don't go near him!" Kanga said nervously. Then she ran up to Roo and snatched him up, then ran away with him in her arms.

"Ohhhhh…." Pooh moaned. He turned his head to look at the sky. The sun was already just setting. Pooh was very surprised that he didn't faint by now. At this point, he may become anorexic, he hasn't eaten in hours! Pooh was talking to himself some more, when he saw Eeyore, then walked up to him.

"Ohhh," Pooh groaned.

"What's wrong?" Eeyore asked. His eyes were more saggy than usual. They now stretched down below his mouth. He looked like he had some kind of disease.

"I have no honey." Pooh moaned.

"Ohhh," Eyore sighed, then looked into the sunset, his eyes flopping around.

Suddenly, Piglet came running up to Pooh.

"P-Pooh! W-where have you been?! I heard from the others you were going crazy and talking to your tummy!" Piglet cried.

"Oh, Piglet! I ran out of honey, and it is almost night!" Pooh wept.

"Pooh? Why didn't you ask me! I-I'm your best friend! I could have helped you!" said Piglet.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about you." Pooh said.

Piglet grabbed Pooh's paw.

"Piglet! What are you trying to do? You know I believe in abstinence!"

said Pooh.

"NO! Not that! Come with me, we're going to look at your house again and find the honey!" said Piglet.

"But I looked everywhere! And there is no honey for my rumbley tummy!"

"Well, don't cry just yet," said Piglet, and he held Pooh's paw tightly and ran with him to his home. As they ran, the sun was slowly descending.

A couple seconds later (yes, seconds) they both arrived at Pooh's home. Piglet opened the door and ran inside, and Pooh followed.

"Pooh, are you sure you looked?" asked Piglet. "I-It doesn't look like you moved anything at a-a-a-all!"

"I'm sure I did!" said Pooh.

Piglet searched around and saw an open book on Pooh's bed. Piglet struggled climbing up the bed. Finally, after hours and hours of continuous labor, he did it. He was on top of the bed. He walked up to the book and looked inside. The picture in the book showed a familiar yellow bear looking around cabinets and closets. Piglet turned the page. It showed the same yellow bear but this time looking in the cookie jar and toilet.

"Pooh!" Piglet shouted. "Get yo' ass ovah here!"

Pooh stumbled into the room.

Piglet began. "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-"

Pooh slapped Piglet on the back to stop his annoying stuttering, which knocked Piglet completely over. Piglet got up and began again.

"Pooh! When you were searching for the honey, did you search in the cabinets and closets?"

"Yes!" Pooh exclaimed.

"And did you search in the cookie jar, and even the toilet?"

"Yes, I did! How did you know? Piglet, were you spying on me again?"

"C-come here!" Piglet said, then jumped off the bed with a parachute he randomly pulled out of his back, landed on the floor, and ran into Pooh's kitchen. Pooh followed behind him.

When they were both in the kitchen, Piglet pointed to the cabinet.

"Pooh, puh-lease open the cabinet!" ordered Piglet.

Pooh opened the cabinet, and-it was a miracle!-there were jars and jars of honey! Pooh snatched a jar of delicious honey and devoured it quickly, like a pig….let.

"Pooh, in your book it showed pictures of a bear looking through cabinets and toilets and cookie jars." Piglet said.

"Oh, bothah!" Pooh exclaimed as he grabbed two more jars of honey and set them both in front of him. "I must have been reading(slurp) the story and(gulp) thinking I'd(slurp) been (slurpgulp)searching for ho(gulpslurpslurpgulpgulpslurpbuuurrpp)ney." Said Pooh in between mouthfuls of honey.

"Pooh, you're a dumbass." Said Piglet.

"And you're an ugly, short, annoying bitch! Now shut up and let me eat my damn honey!" said Pooh, and then went back to devouring the honey.

The sun set shortly after, and Pooh was finally full. That night, Piglet slept over, but Pooh ordered him to sleep in the other room, in fear of his abstinence being broken.

**THE END!**

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**


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